Adult Bullies

“All cruelty springs from weakness” (Seneca, 4BC-AD65)

There are those who say that bullying is behind all forms of violence, conflict, persecution, abuse, harassment, discrimination and prejudice.

The recent death of Phoebe Prince, the 15-year-old Massachusetts girl who hanged herself after being harassed by a group of students in her school, puts a spotlight on bullying among teenagers. And there have been other notable child, teen and young adult cases, on and off the Internet (i.e. cyber-taunting on Face book), that come to mind when we think of bullies. However, it isn’t just children and teenagers who bully. Although it may not be as obvious or as easily identifiable, adult bullying may be more widespread. “Independent research suggests that bullying is happening to around 1 in 4 people” – regardless of age (“Life After Adult Bullying” – Internet)

Bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.” (Wikipedia) It is characterized as behaving in a manner to gain power over another person. And it is a form of abuse. I would suggest that if you rephrase the descriptive action from “repeated aggressive behavior” to “taking frustrations out” on those who are weaker or different, bullying becomes a much more commonplace and identifiable act. In fact, it is pervasive.

There are different types of bullies and different environments in which they proliferate. There are verbal bullies, physical bullies, serial bullies, Gang bullies, Cyber bullies, subordinate bullies, unwitting bullies, work bullies, sadistic bullies, and psychotic and sociopathic bullies. There are bullies at work, at home, in schools, in governments, in religious organizations, on the Internet, and in social cliques.

What all bullies have in common is the use of power to satisfy one’s own psychological shortcomings. Each time a bully moves against someone weaker, he/she feels better about himself for an instant. But because that feeling doesn’t last, they do it again and again. Sometimes the bully appears to lack insight into their own behavior (unwitting bully), but more often the bully does know but elects to ignore the moral and ethical considerations by which the majority of people are bound. The rules don’t apply to them. Or they have projected so much self-hatred on the other that they truly believe that those they are bullying deserve exactly what they are getting.

Why are there so many bullies in society? Because bullying in and of itself is not against the law. And most bullies commit non-arrestable offences. So it becomes unconsciously acceptable. It’s an outlet - a way to express frustration and/or rage and stay within the confines of the law.

There are adult bullies we can easily identify – Hitler was a bully, Racists are bullies and your boss may be one as well. Parents and older siblings have been known to bully. Certainly, gang members bully. But what about those who threaten, shame or intimidate you into doing things you don’t really want to do? It happens to most of us, and when it does, we are being bullied - even when it comes from a person or institution that you love, respect, admire – your government, your church, your girlfriend/boyfriend, a family member, a professional colleague. Sometimes there is a fine line between harmless coercion and bullying. But you can feel the difference. You know when you are truly ambivalent and therefore open to being talked into something vs. when you are being forced to act against your better instincts, wishes or values. And if you are being bullied by more than one person (i.e. an organization or group), it is even more difficult to stand up for yourself.

More insidious and pernicious is the type of bullying that has less to do with forcing you to do something you don’t want to and more to do with “putting you in your place”, minimizing or even destroying you in order to feel better about themselves. People do this consciously or unconsciously because of a hole inside of themselves that they try and fill by being better than someone else. It gives them a sense of power and authority in the world that they may not otherwise experience. It is a way to externalize their own feelings of insecurity, inferiority and rage by putting those feelings on someone else and then attacking them. Some bullying is so subtle that you can begin to believe the bully – they make you feel unsure of yourself - bad about yourself. They can even do it in the guise of friendship or love. It becomes more of a mind game than an outright violation. But it is bullying just the same. We will not be able to rid the world of bullies, but we can learn how to stand up to them.

The kind of people who bully usually have low self-esteem and a certain amount of resentment (envy, jealously) that pushes them to project their own feelings of inadequacy onto you while denying that anything is wrong with them. Not all bullies are serial bullies - sometimes the average person loses it under pressure and takes out their feelings in a bullying manner. But regardless of how or why it is happening to you, it is not acceptable.

How do you stand up for yourself against bullying? Recognize what is happening and remember that it is the bully who has the problem – not you – and that it can be dealt with. Unless they are physically threatening you, bullies are “paper tigers”. If you stand up to them calmly and confront their behavior rationally while asserting your rights, they will back down. If you call them out on their actions, they usually have no place to go – especially if others are witness to those actions. You don’t have to attack a bully; you don’t want to give them a reason to escalate by engaging in a heated or emotional manner. You simply have to resolutely stand up for yourself. You may be thinking that this sounds easier than it would actually be. So start slowly. If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behavior by trying to appease them. Let them know by your reaction that you are not cowed, and then quietly walk away. Think about what you want to say and either approach them later or wait until the next time they behave in that manner and then call them out on it. Bullies don’t have any real power. Once they realize that you won’t engage in their game and have exposed them, they will fade away.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T. 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

THE ENABLING PARENT

THE ENABLING PARENT

A while back, I jotted down some thoughts about a person I called “The Other Parent”. Since then, I’ve been collecting information and have concluded that there is a dearth of material on this subject. But I have expanded upon my initial ideas and hopefully this will lead to more research data in the future. These were my initial thoughts:

I’ve been experiencing a lot of counter-transference lately with my clients over “the other parent”; especially when the other parent is the mother. You may be wondering whom I’m referring to when I say the other parent. I’m referring to the parent who is not molesting their child in a household where a child is being molested. What about these parents anyway? Some of them really might not know, but if so, what planet are they living on? Most do know on some level but pretend not to. I’ll try not to sound too judgmental here; I’ll try and understand why this parent either has to look away and put up with the situation or else decides to in order to take the pressure off them. I realize that this other parent is missing something inside herself or himself that cleaves them to their mate. But regardless, I have an easier time empathizing with the molester whose compulsion drives them then with the pallid partner who is unable or unwilling to stand up for their child. It would be an oversimplification to say these other parents are weak and dependent. Perhaps many are. But I’m aware of some of them as being the rock in the household and/or the financial provider. And some of them pick their mates over their children even with the knowledge of what has taken place. I wish that I could come up with a diagnosis for “the other parent” so that I could find a way to understand them in my heart.

The more pressing need is to be able to meet my client emotionally in the place where they are; and usually what they want is to find some way to hold on to the other parent and justify their behavior. After all, that’s all they have left. I certainly understand that, but that is where my own counter-transference gets in the way. If I can’t find a way to understand the other parent, to find compassion for them, I can’t honestly guide my client along a path to reconciliation or co-existence. And what I really want to say is give up! I want to be your good other parent and help you move on. That isn’t usually what they want.

Sometimes the other parent makes my work clearer by their rejection of the client. But for the most part, the other parent doesn’t want to have to look at their own behavior; they want to get along with everyone and have the family continue on in what they consider a normal manner. Remember it is the victim who is usually viewed as the “identified patient”; no one else in the family really wants to do any work on themselves. I can only wait for my client to finally recognize that they have become too healthy to make an inherently dishonest situation work.

Since I wrote those thoughts I have come to recognize that the parent I was referring to has a more active participation in the family dynamic – she/he is not the other parent but the enabling parent. Not only do a large percentage of them know, they collude. By their tacit approval they provide a cover for the molester and a shield for themselves. In the process, many of them construct a scenario so that the victim becomes the ostracized family member, the troubled outsider. This becomes their rationalization. This child is crazy, is a liar, is difficult, is unstable. This child is not who I wanted him/her to be, does not behave the way I expected my child to behave. I cannot let this child tear my family apart.

Perhaps the enabling parent recognizes disowned parts of themselves in this child. Perhaps the enabling parent is playing out a familiar scenario from his/her own childhood. Regardless, the enabling parent is not another victim of the abuser; he/she is an integral part of the fabric of this family. The abuser married the type of individual who enables them to be who they are. This is the only partner they could choose. Because even though it probably wasn’t all consciously planned, it was what the abuser needed and the only outcome possible. We pick the partners we need – not necessarily the ones we want.

There are parents who truly don’t know that their children have been abused – but probably not if the child has been abused over an extended period of time. And the parents who truly don’t know, leave and take the child (children) as soon as they do find out. When dealing with survivors, I have found that it is important to help them understand the entire family dynamic – no matter how painful – in order for them to truly heal.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

SIBLING ABUSE – Children Abusing Other Children

SIBLING ABUSE – Children Abusing Other Children

Even though there can be life long debilitating psychological effects, sibling abuse may be the most ignored - if not accepted - form of domestic (i.e. sexual, physical, emotional) abuse. Why is this kind of abuse ignored or minimized? There is a lot that is swept under the rug in the guise of “sibling rivalry”. And American law does not consider this a prosecutable offense unless a child is turned in by their parent(s). In other words, parents would have to be willing to file an assault charge against their own child. So parents keep this type of abuse within the family. And a lot of the time, they even blame the victim.

First some statistics: In an article entitled “A Major Threat to Children’s’ Mental Health”, Hart & Brassard reported that “There is evidence that brother-sister sexual relationships may be five times as common as father-daughter incest”.
Finklehor and Baron, who are prominent researchers in the area of child abuse, state “sibling sexual abuse is prevalent in a remarkably large quantity of individuals from virtually all social and family circumstances.” And a survey of 796 undergraduates of six New England colleges found that 15% of the females and 10% of the males reported having some type of sexual experience involving a sibling (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe). In this same publication it states that parents are aware of sexual abuse among siblings 18% of the time, emotional abuse 69% of the time and physical abuse 71% of the time.

Sexual abuse aside, how do we define or recognize abuse among siblings? When there is an inequity in power between two adolescents and one uses control over the other to repeatedly hurt, threaten, or degrade, that is abusive behavior. Even name calling, and ridicule can wear away at a child’s self worth and self-esteem. “Children are especially vulnerable to degrading remarks because it is during their childhood years that they are developing a positive sense of self.” Unfortunately, most parents see this behavior as sibling rivalry. And while most emotional and even physical abuse, should and can be handled by parents rather than the law, first parents have to recognize that it is abuse.

Sexual abuse is another story. Most incidents of sexual abuse by siblings go not only unreported but also undetected by parents. Most times, the siblings themselves recognize that what is happening is wrong and certainly it is recognized by society as wrong. So unlike physical and emotional abuse, this should be easier to detect by parents. But most kids don’t tell. They don’t tell because the older sibling is an authority figure, or because they are threatened or scared, or because they don’t realize that it is abuse because they blame themselves as much as their sibling for what is happening. And unlike physical or emotional abuse, it is happening secretly because the older sibling knows that they have crossed a line.

What causes one sibling to abuse another?
1. Acting out anger at parents on sibling or acting out anger at an older sibling on a younger sibling
2. Parents overwhelmed by their own problems not paying attention.
3. Inappropriate expectations – older sibling given too much responsibility or freedom.
4. Mirroring parents behavior
5. Viewing the behavior as normal by parents
6. Socialization of males as dominant over females
7. Contribution of victim – “Research supports the hypothesis that the behavioral patterns of the abused child tend to invite further abuse” (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe) - it becomes a vicious cycle.
“It is important to note that this interactional cycle theory does not blame the victim!” Rather it identifies a pattern in order to treat and help prevent further abuse.

What are the long-term effects of sibling abuse?
Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.

So how do parents and other family members distinguish between abusive and normal (sibling rivalry) behavior?
1. Is it age appropriate?
2. Does one child appear to be a constant victim?
3. Is the purpose of the behavior – humiliation, sadism, to cause suffering, a result of a continual explosive anger?
4. Was the behavior planned, has it happened before, does the perpetrator feel remorseful?
5. Was property destroyed or animals abused?
6. The length and the degree of the behavior - one-time incidents, if serious enough (i.e. sexual abuse), can create a life long problem. Whereas name calling, ridiculing and even teasing if done consistently and at certain vulnerable ages (i.e. between six and seven years and/or between eleven and twelve years of age) can also create a life long problem.

We need to build awareness and educate families about the difference between abusive and normal behavior among siblings. Listen to children and believe them. Good supervision and encouraging openness about discussing sex while informing children to “own their own bodies” and respect others are simple, logical steps towards protecting our children from abuse by siblings, cousins and other children.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

MOTHER LOVE / FEMALE ABUSERS - PART II

The Psychological Impact On Daughters Who Have Been Sexually Abused By Their Mothers


“There is no other closeness in human life like the closeness between a mother and her child. Chronologically, physically and spiritually, they are just a few heartbeats away from being the same person” *

This is the darkest secret of them all. It challenges societal expectations and myths more than any other form of sexual abuse. It infers sex between a mother and a daughter as well as homosexuality. It is the most difficult type of abuse to identify from the outside and the most under-reported. We are a society in denial. It happens much more than anyone would believe. And while it can be very subtle, most of the time it is not subtle at all, it co-occurs with physical abuse. It challenges our notions of how you define sexual abuse. But to the victim, it is very clear that something terribly wrong is occurring and that there is nowhere to turn for help.

In her seminal book, “Mother-Daughter Incest”, Beverly Ogilvie eloquently describes the societal view of the mother-daughter relationship:

“The mother–child bond has been called the essential human connection, one that teaches us how to love and without which we cannot be whole human beings. A mother’s love provides basic security, stability, nurturing admiration, cuddling, holding and kissing, caring, and acceptance. We receive courage, sense of self, the ability to believe we have value as human beings, and the ability to love others as well as ourselves, from the strength of our mother’s love for us when we are infants. As our first mirror of life, mother functions as protector, guide and interpreter.

A unique tie exists between a mother and daughter in our society, which is encouraged and supported through societal values. A young girl’s identification with her mother continues throughout life, thereby maintaining the mother-daughter relationship while establishing her identity. As women, society encourages us to carry our mothers with us in every breath, every decision, every success, and every failure. Our sense of self as a daughter is entwined with a sense of mother. We look to our mothers in terms of how we define ourselves, in terms of what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a daughter. In essence, there is a shared social role, a shared prescription for life, and shared philosophy. The inevitable modeling relationship between mother and daughter forges her image of herself as a woman, with a sense of basic trust that her mother gave her.”

One cannot, therefore, overstress the significance of the mother-daughter bond and how its betrayal decimates the victim.

Mother-daughter incest is the least understood of all types of sexual abuse. The mother-daughter relationship is characterized by boundaries that are less clearly defined than for mothers and sons and certainly than for fathers and daughters and fathers and sons. A mother’s physical and emotional control over her daughter is viewed tolerantly in our society; and displays of physical intimacy and emotional acting out are so acceptable, that it makes the identification of mother-daughter sexual abuse that much harder. But for those girls living through it, the devastation is unequivocal.

Since mothers usually are the primary caretakers and source of nurturance for their children -and especially their daughters - mixing these functions with sexual abuse leaves the survivor sickened, confused, full of self-loathing and with no sense of her own identity. While boys may have a male figure to turn to, these girls become fused with their mothers in a dark secret that turns their world upside down. In these abusive situations the focus of the relationship is the mother’s needs, including her sexual needs, with no consideration for the daughter as anything more than an extension of herself. The sex isn’t necessarily about sex; more often it is a generational handing down of abusive/incestuous relationships. But contrary to common belief that only mentally insane women are predators; just like with men, some of the most “respectable” appearing women (to the outside world) are preying on their children behind closed doors.

And with daughters it goes deeper than with sons. From birth a daughter models herself after her mother, and so she may not be allowed to discover where her mother ends and she begins. To be so enmeshed with ones perpetrator can be annihilating. For the mother daughter incest survivor, her core relational self, her self-structure has been denied because there is no safe, loving other to model. Essentially, the daughter has experienced the most extreme disconnection and violation because she has been physically, emotionally and sexually violated by the one person in her world who was supposed to protect, nurture and guide her. This is representative of a most severe form of psychological trauma, and in many cases it causes disassociation, detachment and freezing of emotions in the survivor.

“Many daughters possess aspects of their mother’s personalities, physical appearance, or interests. Some sexually abused daughters, however, may feel that their mothers have poisoned their potential to become healthy women. They may feel that parts of their mothers now live within them. Just as the daughters may come to loathe and mistrust their mothers, they come to loathe and mistrust anything in themselves that they believe comes from their mothers. These feelings can be profoundly disturbing. A daughter may feel that just as her mother was abusive to her from outside, the mother can now be abusive and destructive from inside her as well.” **

We need to bring this form of abuse out of the shadows. It is long overdue. We have to recognize that a problem exists, give it a face and find an avenue for these young girls to be able to reach out for help. The abuse itself takes many forms - from inappropriate touching or licking to masturbation to sodomy to enemas to pornography and/or making a daughter perform or watch others (i.e. her mother) perform sex with a third party. The list goes on. Dr. David Finkelhor, a noted researcher conceived of the following criteria to define child sexual abuse: it includes traumatic sexualization – premature and inappropriate sexual learning; betrayal – a violation of trust and dependency through activities and events; powerlessness – coerced by force, threats or deceit to submit to boundary violations and stigma – the secrecy causes the child to fear blame for the adult’s actions.

Because this type of abuse has been so minimized and marginalized, there is a dearth of reliable statistical research. But when surveys have been conducted, the results always point in the same direction. In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect investigated more than two million reports alleging maltreatment of more than three million children. More than one million of these children were identified as victims of abuse. Of these one million, 12% were sexually abused and of those sexually abused, mothers constituted 25% (approx. 36,000 children) of the perpetrators of the sexually abused victims. Furthermore, this statistic was considered to be underestimated due to the tendency of non-disclosure by victims.

We need to get past our preconceived notions of motherhood and recognize the full spectrum of female sexuality, behavior and emotions. We need to reach out and give the young victims as well as adult survivors of mother/daughter incest a clear voice and a way back to healing.

Roni Weisberg-Ross 2009
www.roniweisbergross.com

*Cheever as quoted by Lanese - “Mothers Are Like Miracles”
**Rosencrans – “The Last Secret”

Emotional Abuse: What it is and why it is so important to recognize

Sticks and stones may break my bones but … bullying and name-calling can emotionally scar me forever. Not the original ending to the classic verse, but probably the more accurate one. It seems that broken bones will heal far more quickly than a battered soul. Does this sound overly dramatic?

Not according to a study conducted by Florida State University and published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. It states that verbal abuse has been shown to produce 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety among adults as those who have not been verbally abused. And those adults were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.

Verbal abuse is only one aspect of emotional abuse - the most common form of abuse, and perhaps the least clearly understood. That’s because emotional abuse is not a single or quantifiable act. It is difficult to chronicle or identify. It is both pervasive and can be very subtle – deeply affecting but harder to prove than sexual or physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person. Emotional abuse in childhood is particularly devastating because a child’s sense of self is still not fully formed and therefore they are very receptive to what others say about them. When they repeatedly hear negative things about themselves from people that they trust, they develop a set of beliefs that shape their future identity. It has been shown that both verbal and non-verbal communication can create a powerful message. And emotional abuse can and usually does include both.

When a person is physically or sexually abused, they recognize that something wrong (bad) is happening to them. With emotional abuse, that might not be the case. Therefore, the person may be taking in hurtful and debilitating information without any filter. That is, their psyche is not defending them from the onslaught. In fact, they may even be telling themselves that they deserve what they are experiencing and that they are bad. This type of abuse consequently turns into a potent form of self-criticism. Survivors of emotional abuse are self-critical because they have internalized years of negative messages and they now believe it. Adults who have been emotionally abused as children are among the most self-critical – hence the degree of depression and anxiety found among this population.

Emotional abuse has classically been under-reported and its effects minimized. But this form of abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. It can leave them feeling unworthy, undeserving, unlovable and insignificant. People who have been emotionally abused may have a hard time recognizing the importance of the abuse. Not only does our culture minimize it, it suggests that the victims themselves are weak, further victimizing them. Most abusers are not clearly identifiable bullies/abusers, and so it’s hard to point a finger or charge them with a crime. How then do we recognize and deal with emotional abuse?

Trust your own instincts and the instincts of others who claim to have been abused. If you/they feel it or can name it, attention must be paid. Respect your emotions. This abuse is insidious and can be very subtle. But it wears away at your self-esteem and sense of self. If someone has or is continually making you feel bad about yourself, scaring you or making you feel as if you are crazy, then even if they aren’t fully aware of it, they are abusing you. Just because emotional abuse is not treated as a crime doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.

Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an important first step towards healing. And if it is still going on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. You are not the problem! If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem. If you don’t feel safe, then remove yourself from the situation – perhaps permanently.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT

2009